There Will Be Blog

I have soooo much to process and go through physically and mentally in the next few days but eventually there WILL be a Peru blog post. I am just a bit overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and emotions that anything I say will either not make sense to you or will sorta make sense but not really or will make sense but sound off. So, bear with me for a bit and if you build it (wait) they (it) will come.

Caitlin = SINNER

I hope this trip transforms me into the Caitlin I know I was meant to be. Ever since the earliest signs of my selfishness and lack of Christ-like behavior, I have felt that my spiritual growth has been stunted. I feel as though this Caitlin is a temporary shell of a young woman just DYING to let the real Caitlin fly free. And maybe subconsciously, that's why I have had a great love and attachment to the symbol of birds escaping birdcages...

CAITLIN is in here somewhere, I know she is. I ask God all the time to continue abundantly pouring out His mercy and patience on me so that my "cage" will wash away and the Spirit-filled bird will break free.

Peru is going to be the first step of many leading me down the path to Jesus Christ. I want to live my life for Him. I want to exude His light in everything I do.

I'm ready to break free, Lord. I know this is the start of something BIG.

Amen.

The Unmentionable- MENTIONED!

I know this post might seem a little off for a "Caitlin post" but it spoke to me in a lot of ways. It helped me realize that I don't need to compromise my belief in abstinence until marriage. If this girl can hold out WITHOUT a belief in religious consequences, then I definitely can WITH the belief that I'm doing it the way God intended.

I’m so excited and nervous about writing this post. After I suggested it, I tried to chicken out, but Meg is a persuasive lady (have you noticed?). When people would find out that I was a virgin, or that Josh and I weren’t sleeping together (I know, right? How does that even come up in conversation? I can’t for the life of me remember…) I was met with a ton of questions/warnings. You guys think unrequested wedding advice is crossing the line? Try sex advice. Yeah. Here are some of the things I heard which turned out to be very untrue… (and, uh, sorry in advance. I really like lists and bullet points.)


1. Waiting puts a lot of pressure on your wedding night. False. Well, ok. I could see how this could be the case for some. Josh and I sorta worried about it. We also knew that we’d probably be exhausted, maybe grumpy, maybe a leetle sloshed after the wedding. So Josh suggested we just have no expectations for the wedding night- we would have all week of our honeymoon to have sex. Let’s not rush and cram it into that night. I gotta say, this definitely removed that pressure of The Sex Time. It was genius. I would really advise anyone else who’s waiting to set this standard- not just to remove the pressure, but so that you can ease into getting to know one another’s bodies (even if that sounds like a middle school health class video). Josh had never seen me in less than a bathing suit, and touched anything between my neck and my knees before we got married. “Normal” couples move gradually, right? You don’t just tear around all of the bases in one night (usually). Same can go for Waiters (as in those-that-wait… not those-that-serve-at-restaurants).

2. It’s gonna be awkward. Umm. No. Josh and I were already experts at enjoying spending time together- and believe it or not, we pretty much already knew the basics of, um, what goes where… I think this is probably only true for people who expect it to be like movie sex, and then try to force some fake, sultry, smoky crap. One of the APW brides once suggested that the wedding day be treated like any other day- just be yourself. Laugh if something’s funny. Don’t put on some false self. Same is so very true for sex, isn’t it? It’s much more of an intimate moment if it’s two people, totally exposed and being themselves together.

3. You need practice. Meh. Not really. Like I said above, we kinda figured out how things work. Beyond that, sure, sex gets better the more you do it. But trust me, the first night wasn’t awful.

4. You need to know if you’re compatible/if he’s “the one.” I hafta wonder at using sex as a barometer for that sort of thing. And it’s kind of like kissing, isn’t it? Your first kiss may or may not be awesome, but you get better at kissing as you kiss each other more. You become attune to one another. Whether or not he’s awesome in bed in the first round doesn’t determine how good you can be together- and I’m guessing if your chemistry is fantastic enough that you wanna marry the guy, you’ll do just fine. (Also, who do I have him to compare to…? It’s the best sex I’ve ever had.)

5. So you think you’ll go to hell if you have sex? Not even close.

So if that’s not why I waited, then why, right? If not to avoid the fiery pits of hell, what could it be?

1. Sex effs with your mind. Honestly. Who can say that having sex has made them more capable of thinking clearly and making good decisions? It complicates things.

2. Sex links people. I don’t know how to put this in a forward-thinking, logical-sounding way. But, sex ties people together in this near-mystical way, doesn’t it? How many of us have clung to no-good-people because of how attached we felt as a result of being physical with them (or is that just me)*? This directly ties into the above- it just complicates things.

3. Finding the “right” person. This one’s the key, obv. There’s something so undeniably romantic about having only had sex with just one person. Finding the right person to sleep with or marry- that takes time. And clear-headed thought. So these folks who say they’re “waiting” to have sex, and then hurry up and get married because they can’t keep it in their pants any longer- that kind of defeats the purpose, to me. Sex is important. Take your time in figuring out who you want to be there to share that experience.

4. Self control. I probably couldn’t tell you how much respect I have for Josh as a result of the self-control he displayed in the 3 years we dated. Did I know he wanted to do it? Hell yeah- sometimes it’s obvious, if youknowwhatI’msayin. But his commitment to waiting was a sign of his love for me… not in the cheesy, “true love waits” sense. But in the sense that setting a good foundation for our marriage was more important to him than a physiological impulse (and I’m not saying it wasn’t a struggle for me… have I TOLD you how hot this man is?). Being able to control your downstairs bits demonstrates the kind of maturity necessary to pick a spouse… ya dig?

5. Growing together. Getting used to doing it is one more intense way in which we’re growing together. I get to experience this whole new world, and I get to have a husband by my side as I figure it out. Awesome.

6. Romance. Can I just reiterate how amazingly romantic I think it is? It’s like Heloise and Abelard. Doesn’t the fact that they couldn’t even touch each other almost confirm for you that their love was the deepest kind?**

Because we were waiting, we needed to sort of… set ourselves up for success. Spending 3 years with a sexy man and not touching him. That, um, takes work.

1. Short engagement. Know how I just told you not to rush into getting married just to have sex? Yeah. This is different. Once you decide that you do want to get married, don’t set some 2 year long engagement. That, my friends, is called TORTURE. “Yay, we’re going to have sex together! …but NOT YET.” Womp womp.

2. Lots of sex talks. I think we probably talked about sex pre-marriage more than people who aren’t waiting. Sex is kind of a big chunk of married life… if we’re already discussing if we want to have kids and where we want to live, it only makes sense to talk about what sex is gonna be like. (there are pretty clear limits to this… “Oh, baby, I can’t wait to do this to your that…” not really the best route to go if you plan on waiting.) We talked about likes and dislikes. I know you’re wondering how I could know what I like or not, since I’ve never tried. I think there are some things you don’t need to experience to know. For example, I don’t need to try having Josh choke me while he’s doing his thing to know that I’m not a fan of the “play rape” sex. Nope.

3. More sex talks. We also set parameters and discussed expectations. If there’s anything that’s detrimental to a relationship, it’s unvoiced expectations. I told him what I expected sex to be like, what I was hoping for, and he did the same. There was nothing that was more healthy for our sex-life… and I would recommend it for everyone, married or not, waiting or not.

And now. We’re married. And doing it. And life is good. Some of the important things I’ve gleaned through our ongoing learning process include…

1. Recognizing that sex is a delicate thing. It’s one part of our lives that impacts so much else. If we haven’t had sex in awhile, you can probably tell by the way we talk to and treat each other- that’s not an old cliché, I think everyone would agree it’s true. It’s the physical representation of everything that marriage means to us- so if the sex is bad, something’s off here. What do I mean by that? In sex, we’re entirely vulnerable and exposed, flaws and all- and yet when we look at each other, we’re overwhelmingly attracted (isn’t that a beautiful idea?). Sex at its healthiest is when two people are entirely focused on one another- sex isn’t about physical urges (not entirely at least) or body parts… it’s about paying attention to one another’s wants in a very personal and special way. Because of this, sex is that place in marriage where we have the most propensity to appreciate one another, and the largest capacity to hurt one another. It’s so, so easy to feel slighted or ignored or manipulated or unfulfilled or mistreated in sex. It’s a very delicate matter.

2. Open honesty. If he wants it, he needs to tell me. If I feel like he’s going at it in a roundabout way, I feel manipulated. (How many of us have dated guys with little manipulating ways of conning us into sex? “But it can do serious damage if I don’t…”) If I don’t want it, I need to tell him. If we both have the understanding that the other person is going to be honest without insult, there’s no need to feel guilty or try to hint. This kind of honesty may sound unsexy (“Hey- wanna do it tonight?” versus donning lingerie and sprawling across the bed), but I recognize that it’s just a stage in learning about each other. Like all other things in our relationship, if we do it enough, I’ll get to a point where I can (mostly) intuit what’s going on. But even then, communication is going to be so essential. Isn’t it with everything in marriage?

3. Team spirit. Like I said above, sex in its purest form is not about what I get out of it, but what I can do for the other person. (If he’s spending all of his energy trying to please me, and I’m exerting all of mine to try to please him… we both end up… satisfied, I guess? Can I say that, Meg?***) So sometimes, I need to take one for the team and just do it when I don’t feel like it. Sounds tres unsexy, no? But if that’s what sex is about at its core (spending all of my energy for what he wants), then I’m definitely in the spirit. (FYI: “I’ll do whatever you want me to, baby” is NOT unsexy.) Other times, when I have a migraine or am in a bad mood, he can lovingly (without being begrudging) drop it. (we’ve talked on here about how the roles are sometimes reversed- I’m not trying to catalogue or generalize, just speaking from my own experience)

So um. There you have it. Probably the most awkward post on APW yet. I’m not sure exactly how to wrap it up- maybe, “Go have some great sex, you guys!” I know you’re thinking, “Wait a second. You were a virgin until 6 months ago. How are YOU going to tell ME how to have great sex, amateur?” I can’t. But I can share what I’ve learned on a now-unconventional and bumpy road. And hoping to help Meg open the floor for others to do the same. Ready? GO.

(via A Practical Wedding)

Lessons Learned

Taken from a past diary entry:

Just because you have everything in common with someone doesn't make them your soul-mate, you know?

Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean you love them. It doesn't even necessarily mean you should date them.

Just because someone is incredibly nice to you and just so happens to be attractive and single doesn't mean they like you "in that way".

I have learned these lessons the hard way. They suck. In a perfect world every one of those statements would say the opposite.

And the one I have the hardest time with is the last one. My whole life I've been the type to crush really easily. A guy shows the smallest ounce of consideration or politeness and I fall head-over-heels. Luckily, I'm learning from these lessons.

Next lesson to learn: boys are idiots and there's nothing I can do about it.

Wherefore Art Thou, Indie Gospel?

I'm starting to find that most contemporary Christian music sounds similar. I can see the industry is trying to appeal to the younger generations and little by little, its pouring out alternative band after alternative band to much success. However, I tire of the lack of variety.

On the one hand, there is 90s-inspired bands that are still riding the wake that dcTalk, Newsboys, and Jars of Clay created with their popularity. While the aforementioned bands were huge successes and basically paved the way for mainstream Christian music, they hit their peaks 15 years ago.

Is there a difference? No, really...

On the other hand, there are the countless bands under whatever genre you consider 3 Doors Down, Linkin Park, Nickelback, and Creed to be under. Bands like Skillet, Red, Decyfer Down, Flyleaf (though, I admittedly like a couple of their songs), and Demon Hunter are almost indistinguishable to my ears at this point, much like the secular bands I mentioned before.

I do see why they are popular. Nickleback, though a pickle has more fans on Facebook than they do, is still widely known and can be heard at any point on any "80s, 90s, and Today"-type stations.

So, honestly, although I don't like it, I get it.

Then, there are Christian bands and singers whom most have either never heard of or simply do not exist. I recently discovered a singer named John Mark McMillan who just released his first single on iTunes called "Skeleton Bones". I discovered him a few months ago when I sought the author of my new favorite David Crowder*Band song, "How He Loves".

Now THIS is my kinda musician.

McMillan is a little-known fellow with a small fanbase, who's based out of North Carolina. He writes amazing lyrics and has the kind of voice I love to hear in my "indie" music.

Another artist named Phil Danyew, who calls his music project simply "Danyew", has a song called "Nothing Without You" that I've actually known and loved for quite some time, but completely forgot about until I saw him in concert with DC*B.

Other than those two artists, my search for "indie" Christian music has come up empty handed.

Even if there are other artists like McMillan or Danyew, I realize that they will never receive much airplay or garner the attention of millions of fans. Even the secular indie music I listen to is little-known by the Average Joe. Ask any member of my family who Miike Snow is and you'll see what I mean.

I guess I don't need my Christian indie music to be popular. Most of the time when my music gets popular, I start to like them less. They become property of "The Man" and their music suffers. All I'm asking- and I feel it's a pretty simple request- is that this kind of music EXISTS.

Who knows, maybe I'll have to learn to play guitar, write music, read music, etc. and start the indie Christian music REVOLUTION myself.

In my dreams

Every night since the day my cat, Reagan died I've had dreams where we find her outside alive and well and realize she was never dead to begin with.

I really hate waking up from these dreams... but I'm coming to think of them as little visits from her. I get to pet her and hug her and it feels so real.

Thank you, God for these dreams.

The Silver Chair

“One word, Ma’am,” he said, coming back from the fire; limping, because of the pain. “One word. All you’ve been saying is quite right, I shouldn’t wonder. I’m a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won’t deny any of what you said. But there’s one more thing to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things – trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that’s a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play world. I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we’re leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that’s a small loss if the world’s as dull a place as you say.”

- From The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis.

Cerebral Atom Bomb

Oddly enough, I'm listening to Explosions in the Sky right now... coincidence?

I'm at this weird point where my mind is in constant motion and won't give me any rest. I have to keep myself visually, musically, and educationally (i.e. homework, reading for class) occupied at all times or my brain decides to detonate an atomic thought-bomb and I want to rip my hair out and cry all at once. Not good.

I hope this will all pass with time, calm contemplation, and prayer... I need to depend on God a lot more, I think. Never enough dependence on Him.

That's all...

I'm ranting and raving again.

WARNING: I am going to rant and be really obnoxious for a minute so... If you're not interested, read no further.

OK.

YOUR= belongs to you. YOU'RE= you are.

THUS

"Your welcome" does not make any sense. If it did, you would be bringing attention to my welcome. What about my welcome? It's like saying, "Yo, wuddup?" and then responding with "Your welcome is a little out of character."

NOW

YOU ARE WELCOME or YOU'RE WELCOME is perfectly fine!

My problem here is that 90% of the people I know and the people they know are native-English speakers. For a lot of them, English is the only language they speak. So, I would think that if you only know one language, you would know it pretty well. Apparently, not the case at all.

I admit, with a bit of embarrassment, that I make mistakes quite frequently. I never claimed to be perfect. I say "like" in over-abundance and that word is almost never necessary. It is one of those words like "get" or "got" that can be easily replaced with another word or phrase. However, the difference is that I am trying to improve my vocabulary, my spelling, my punctuation, and most importantly, my grammar. It bothers me so much that most people do not care in the least! It is even more irksome that employers, professors, etc. are becoming more and more lax when it comes to grammar.

I will never forget coming home from one of my first days of sixth grade and telling my parents that I was a more competent reader than my teacher.

What is the education in this country coming to?

I think I am going to have to send my children to private schools...

OK.

Rant complete.

Through his eyes

Last night was a good night.

My boyfriend, Stephen and I talked on Skype for a couple of hours and, as always, it was lovely.

The thing is, last night was different...

I took all my makeup off for him.

Well, really it was because my eyeshadow was bothering me a lot and I got super annoyed. Still, as bad as I am about wearing makeup at all times I would have suffered through that just to feel made-up and gorgeous on my webcam. Stephen, however, convinced me that it would be fine if I just took it off. It wouldn't be a big deal, he told me. *SIGH* Alright, I'll do it. So, I went to the bathroom and took it all off. I mean, I scrubbed. I got every last speck of junk off my face... and felt awful.

Side note: I've discovered, lately, that I have vulnerability issues. It's hard for me to look someone in the eye for any length of time. And makeup is my security blanket. Without it I feel extremely vulnerable... This is a huge deal for me, if you couldn't already tell.

Anyway, I came back in view of my webcam and felt so weird. SO so weird. I mean, it took a long while for me to stop putting my hands all over my face to cover it up. I couldn't really talk. I kept wanting to move out of view. Then Stephen told me I was beautiful (yeah, I know. He's awesome.) and everything slowly started to get easier. Very gradually I took my hands off my face and slowly but surely started to feel a bit more comfortable. Eventually, I was fine.

His goal (and my goal, as well) is to get me to truly believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful no matter what. I hope that I can learn to see myself the way he sees me, someday.

Before the earth I leave behind...

Tiny Life Lessons.

Perspective is an interesting thing.

For instance, right now I was just setting my alarm for 7:30am to get up and get ready for college group at 9am. Now, on any other day in my past I would look at that time and feel like sobbing and vomiting all at the same time. Drastic, yes, but that is the depth of my disdain for waking up early. Tonight, however, I look at that time and think to myself, "Well, I don't have to work tomorrow... So, no biggie. I'll be tired but it'll be a good day off!"

I'm slowly but surely discovering how much of my life I can control. Of course there are countless situations and events and people that I have absolutely no control over but there are also countless emotions, opinions, feelings, etc. that I do have control over. Most recently I have found a situation that I can 100% control my feelings for. I don't need to go into detail but I feel like if I can handle this one thing then everything else should be much easier for me to get over... You know?

I'm also discovering how much of the necessary solutions to the crap in my life are almost always already in my head but I never think I'm right or I am just too dang scared to listen. I'd say that 99.9% of the time when I have a problem, I know exactly how to fix it. Even when I do something wrong or I'm unsure of what to do in a situation or anything like that, I usually know the answer but just doubt myself so much that I have to rely on others for the solution. (Or, I do the other thing... which is completely avoid the solution and make matters worse. Great.)

This happened at work tonight right after we had a big dinner rush. The lobby was a wreck but I wasn't necessarily the one responsible for cleaning it up but I knew that the person who was was busy and I knew that things were slowing down so I wouldn't have to worry about what I was responsible for until more customers came in. I kept running orders out to people and seeing how disgusting the floor was, how messy the tables were, etc. and went past it probably five or six times. Honestly, I was waiting for the manager to come out to tell someone to go do it but I had a feeling it was going to be me anyway because I was the "least busy looking" one out front. I knew, just KNEW, that it should be me to go clean the lobby even though I didn't want to. I even had a really super brief conversation with God while I was running an order where I mentioned wanting someone else to do it and telling Him that I figured because I wanted someone else to do it, He was totally going to make me do it. He and I have this relationship... you know?

Anyway, I went up front after that and said to one of my co-workers, "The lobby is a disaster." I grabbed a broom, rags, and sanitizer and cleaned that sucker like it was no body's business. The manager never even came out to see the lobby, nor to see that I was cleaning it (which would have been a nice little perk for me, but that's not why I was doing it!), but it didn't matter. I felt good about doing something that I didn't necessarily have to do and doing it well and doing it because it needed to be done.

I've learned a lot of tiny little life lessons at work, really. Not my dream job but it makes it so very apparent that God makes something of every situation!

Here comes the rain, doo doo doo doo...

Woke up a bit earlier than normal this morning to an enourmously loud thunderclap. Tried to go back to sleep... Woke up to another enourmously loud thunderclap. Opened my window and realized that lightning was striking mere yards from my house and that (as instructed by elementary school teachers) when I counted the seconds between lightning and thunder... I came up short! The storm was literally above my house! THEN it started to rain and I wanted to cry it was so beautiful.

It is 80 degrees and breezy in fair Phoenix on this early September morning. Lovely. Just lovely.

P.S.
The one downside to this weather (since vanity must always intrude, apparently) is that my hair is gigantic. I feel like one of the lightning bolts struck my head. How I'll manage, I have no idea.

October 23, 2005

The following is a story I wrote about a great day that I had four years ago next month. I kept it hidden in a diary for a long time (like, four years...) until I finally showed it to someone who said it was cute. So, with a bit of updating and an added note at the end, I present... a short story by Caitlin Wahlstrom:



There was something about the way that he looked at me as we walked to his car… “Is there anything I can do to make you happy?” I had to hold back my smile with all my might as I cleverly said, “I don’t know, is there?”

We walked back to the car in silence and started back to the house. Only about a half mile out of the beach parking lot I had to say it… there was no going back, “Can I tell you something?” My hands were shaking and I’m sure my face showed the fear coming over me because of what I was about to do. No longer would I allow myself to be the shy one who lets amazing opportunities pass me by. Then and there, I said it, “I like you… like, a lot…” He smiled broadly and chuckled a little, “Likewise,” he said. I about jumped out of my skin with the happiness I felt at what he had just said. I was so proud of myself; for the first time in my life I took a gigantic leap of faith and the Lord allowed it to work out better than I expected.

We drove for awhile in euphoric silence until we reached that fated stop sign. We stopped completely at the three-way intersection as he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to cry with happiness! I had been waiting for my first kiss my entire life and here it was in all its glory two days after my 17th birthday. I didn’t care about being a “late bloomer” anymore, and no longer was I embarrassed because I was the last person I knew who had yet to have their first kiss. None of this mattered to me. All I could think about was what had just happened to me for the first time in my life.

He grabbed my hand and we held on as tightly as we could without ever thinking of letting go. We had reached yet another stop sign and I just couldn’t help myself- I leaned over and kissed him back… on the lips! Oh wow, did I honestly just do that, I thought. I did, and I was so happy. We hugged each other tightly and never wanted to let go. We probably would have stayed that way forever had it not been for the car that so unfortunately pulled up behind us.

After that day, stop signs became an automatic signal for the two of us to kiss or simply embrace. Every stop sign or stop light that we stopped at for long enough, we would kiss each other without a thought of why. Who needs reasons when you’re in love?

Since that wonderful day, our relationship has ended. In the four years since that weekend, the two of us have grown apart and moved on with each of our lives, but the memory of the love we shared will stay with me forever.





[Note: I'm wondering if it weirds me out to post this because of what it's about or that I am afraid the other person will be weirded out or both. I am a very paranoid over-thinker which is not a fun combination. So, just be like, utterly amazed that this is posted at all. Thanks.]

Morbid Curiosity

I know this may sound really creepy to some but I've all of a sudden had a great urge to travel to celebrity graves. This really isn't a totally new obsession, as my dad and I have always loved to visit cemeteries in our travels around Arizona.

The celebrity aspect, though, is new. I watched Capote last night and afterward read up on him and found that I really like this character! He has a similar personality to Andy Warhol (in fact, Truman Capote was one of Warhol's idols!) and his life-long best friend was Nelle Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Anyway, I found out that he was cremated but "interred" at Westwood Village Memorial Park in LA. I thought to myself, "It would be really cool to go see his grave. I wonder if any other of my favorite celebrities are buried there."

So, in search of celebrity grave sites I found this great list and collection of names and locations.

I say, once I have time and money, I'm going on a road trip with my Polaroid...

Forest Lawn (Hollywood Hills) Cemetery, Los Angeles, CA:
Bette Davis
Buster Keaton
Liberace
Freddie Prinze
Andy Gibb
Stan Laurel
Ricky Nelson
John Ritter
Gene Autry
Sandra Dee
Ed McMahon
David Carradine

Forest Lawn (Glendale)**:
Clark Gable
Carole Lombard
Jimmy Stewart
Jean Harlow
Humphrey Bogart
Mary Pickford
Errol Flynn
Spencer Tracy
Walt Disney
Sammy Davis, Jr
Nat King Cole
L. Frank Baum(!)

Ferncliff Cemetery, Hartsdale, NY:
Judy Garland
Aaliyah
Joan Crawford

Westwood Village Memorial Park, Los Angeles, CA:
Truman Capote
Marilyn Monroe
Donna Reed
Dean Martin
Natalie Wood
Roy Orbison
Carroll O'Connor
Don Knotts
Eva Gabor

Holy Cross Cemetery, Culver City, CA:
Bing Crosby
Ray Bolger
Rita Hayworth
Jack Haley
Mary Astor
John Candy
Bela Lugosi
Sharon Tate

Green-Wood Cemetery, Brooklyn, NY:
Jean-Michel Basquiat (famous painter)
Theodore Roosevelt's family (but not Teddy himself)
Louis Comfort Tiffany (the Tiffany lamp guy)
Frank Morgan

Hollywood Forever Memorial Park, Hollywood, CA:
Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Porky Pig!)
Cecil B. Demille
Victor Fleming (director of Wizard of Oz and Gone with the Wind)
Johnny Ramone

Oakwood Memorial Park, Chatsworth, CA:
Fred Astaire
Ginger Rogers

San Fernando Mission Cemetery, Mission Hills, CA:
Richie Valens
Bob Hope

On their own...
Karen Carpenter- Valley Oaks Cemetery, Westlake Village, CA
Ella Fitzgerald- Inglewood Park Cemetery, Inglewood, CA
Warner Bros.- Home of Peace Memorial Park, Los Angeles, CA
John Wayne- Pacific View Memorial Park, Newport Beach, CA
Jimi Hendrix- Greenwood Memorial Cemetery, Seattle, WA
Andy Warhol- St. John the Baptist Byzantine Cemetery, Pittsburgh, PA
Audrey Hepburn- Tolochenaz, Switzerland*
James Dean- Fairmount Park Cemetery, Fairmount, IN
Harry Houdini- Machpelah Cemetery, Flushing, NY
Bonnie and Clyde- Crown Hill Memorial Park, Dallas, TX
John Dillinger- Crown Hill Cemetery, Indianapolis, IN
Doc Holliday- Pioneer Cemetery, Glenwood Springs, CO
Lewis Carroll- Mount Cemetery, Guildford, Surrey, England
C.S. Lewis- Holy Trinity Church, Headington, Oxford, England***


*Really, I would give anything just to see where she LIVED. Her house and garden in Switzerland were so breathtakingly beautiful that just to be near it would be a dream come true.

**Apparently, this place is also a garden, museum, art gallery, etc. So, even if I couldn't find all those celeb graves I would love to visit here anyway! Regis Philbin and Ronald Reagan got married here too!

SDRAWKCAB

Yeah, "Straw-Cab".

I wrote a tweet stating how backwards my life really is. This then inspired me to blog. I haven't been doing this much recently, I know. Shame on me.

Here is why my life is backwards:

First off, the thing that inspired the tweet in the first place was the fact that on days that I work, I usually sleep in really really late because I don't have to be at work until 4-6pm but also feel like if I were to get up and LIVE that I wouldn't have enough time in the day to do so. There was a quote in a movie I recently watched, and now I can't remember which one, where an old lady talks about how when you know the end is coming you spend all your time worrying and not living. I know she was talking about death but that's sort of how I feel about obligation. When I know I have to do something at a certain time the entire day I think about it. By the time I do it and get it done I feel like I've been doing it all day long.

Secondly, my life is "backwards" because of how complicated everything is. Not just life experiences or whatever but even very simple things. I never have a simple answer for anything. EVER. My favorite color? Oh, well it's blue-green but not just blue-green I love all shades of blue-green. "Oh, so like teal?" Yes, but also aqua and turquoise and every other shade. My favorite movie? Well, I like Wizard of Oz, Grease, Star Wars, Moulin Rouge, Amelie, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Wristcutters, Wes Anderson films... My favorite Wes Anderson film? Well, I really love The Royal Tenenbaums but Life Aquatic is also really really good...

SHUT UP. Seriously, I wish I had simple answers to SOMETHING. Even when people ask me about school I feel like I have to write a novel about it.

Oh, and don't even get me started on my boy issues. That's a fricken War & Peace-sized tale.

I just wish that something sometime would be easy, simple, uncomplicated, and stress-free. I wish that my fear of disappointing others and my lack of ability to make decisions would just go away. I talk about that stuff in therapy, I talk about it with family and friends and trying to get rid of it never gets any easier. I'm trying. I really am. I actually had made a list one time of my top 5 favorite movies and I felt alright about. I felt a little OCD about it for awhile like, "Uhh... mmmm.... I don't know... are these REALLY my favorite movies?" while wringing my hands and straightening the rugs and crooked frames on the walls. I think I am a little OCD about things sometimes... I also have the tendency to go on tangents. I bore people when I tell stories. Don't lie. My parents tell me all the time that I do.

See.

Knowing my brain, I'm probably going to write a blog about my OCD-ness now. I apologize in advance.

P.S.
If any of you ever become alcoholics and I feel I must intervene, here is how it will happen:


toothpastefordinner.com

I Know, I Know, I Know

It has been awhile, I know. I've just been feeling overwhelmed and confused and stuck and lost and... EMO for the past month or more that writing a blog or tweeting too much was going to be a bit depressing instead of entertaining. So, I've been holding out on you for your benefit, believe me!

I've been bitten by the creative bug again the past couple of days. I bought and assembled a bookcase all by my onesies and decided that, with its addition, my wall looked ever so boring! (I reminded myself of Alice just then...)


So, once again I removed the decor from the biggest wall in my room and redecorated it. I am slightly pleased with the outcome. It's not perfect and it's not my "dream wall" or anything, but it will do for now.

I want to mention that the picture furthest to the right is actually one I found in my old high school portfolio. I decided it's just weird enough to be displayed on my wall. After putting it in a frame, I actually really REALLY like it and I'm really proud to say it's my own work!


Here it is close up. Kind of blurry, sorry.

After my mini-makeover, I got the sudden urge to draw a mermaid. The song "Marvelous Things" by Eisley has been travelling around my head for awhile now playing at random times and conjuring up some amazing imagery in the process. There is a line that goes, "I followed a rabbit/through rows of mermaid-entwined strawberries", which is my favorite line in the song. I wanted to try and draw what was in my head when I pictured that line and started with a vine. I liked the vine but decided that I kind of liked it just the way it was and wanted to draw a mermaid separate. I love the finished product!



...and a close up:


I obviously went the freaky mermaid route as opposed to the Ariel-esque. I love her. I need to name her, blow her up poster-sized, paint her, and hang her up on my wall.

That sounded gruesome.

Oops... I took so long writing this blog that I don't have much time to accomplish stuff I needed to do tonight. CRAP. Oh well, you all have been entertained for a short while, and that's what I'm here for, right?

Artist Discoveries, part deux

I'm only writing a sequel to my last post so quickly because I found another painting that I'm in love with...

Salvador Dali's "Christ of Saint John of the Cross"

Artist Discoveries

Last night my cousin Liz and I spent the better part of an hour looking through one of my coffee table books called "World Art". I was curious to see what kind of art she was interested in and by the end of our exploration we discovered that she loves landscapes. Who knew? Anyway, while looking through it I made a disovery of my own: Dorothea Tanning. She was listed in the Modern Art section and her name sounds familiar to me, although her work is brand new to my eyes. I googled her and have thus found one of my new favorite artists. Take a look at some of my favorites:





and my all-time favorite of hers:



I really love how whimsical and yet dark everything is. I also love the use of branches, mermaid tails, fabric, etc. to create a flowing feeling... if you know what I mean. Sorry, I'm not familiar with all the artsy terms yet!

I've also discovered that I really love Salvador Dali. Yes, everyone and their mother has heard of him but his work truly is brilliant:

This one takes my breath away:



I apparently really love his representations of animals because those seem to be my favorites:



Another artist, Rene Margritte, I've apparently liked for awhile but didn't know it:

I've had this picture framed in my room for awhile now and never knew who the artist was!



This one is pretty famous:





And lastly, Leonora Carrington:

This may be one of the most bad-ace paintings I've seen in awhile:





She basically rocks.

Google them all if you want to see more. Tell me what you think!

FYI

I just wrote like 3 paragraphs about how I want to vent right now but refuse to.

Thank your lucky stars I deleted it all before posting it.