Last night was a good night.
My boyfriend, Stephen and I talked on Skype for a couple of hours and, as always, it was lovely.
The thing is, last night was different...
I took all my makeup off for him.
Well, really it was because my eyeshadow was bothering me a lot and I got super annoyed. Still, as bad as I am about wearing makeup at all times I would have suffered through that just to feel made-up and gorgeous on my webcam. Stephen, however, convinced me that it would be fine if I just took it off. It wouldn't be a big deal, he told me. *SIGH* Alright, I'll do it. So, I went to the bathroom and took it all off. I mean, I scrubbed. I got every last speck of junk off my face... and felt awful.
Side note: I've discovered, lately, that I have vulnerability issues. It's hard for me to look someone in the eye for any length of time. And makeup is my security blanket. Without it I feel extremely vulnerable... This is a huge deal for me, if you couldn't already tell.
Anyway, I came back in view of my webcam and felt so weird. SO so weird. I mean, it took a long while for me to stop putting my hands all over my face to cover it up. I couldn't really talk. I kept wanting to move out of view. Then Stephen told me I was beautiful (yeah, I know. He's awesome.) and everything slowly started to get easier. Very gradually I took my hands off my face and slowly but surely started to feel a bit more comfortable. Eventually, I was fine.
His goal (and my goal, as well) is to get me to truly believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful no matter what. I hope that I can learn to see myself the way he sees me, someday.
I reside in dreams. Even while wakeful, my heart yearns for the unreal. In mind and spirit, I dwell in a world of imagination, whimsy, magic. If only my wings were strong enough to take me there, to free me from my cage of reality. One day... One day, I'll fly away.
4 weeks ago
2 comments:
with tears in my eyes i tell you with all honesty that you are a very very lucky girl. with tears in my eyes i tell you that when a boy looks at you without your makeup on (and you being any of you girls out there) and tells you that you are beautiful, he really understands what beauty is. because beauty isn't your clothes or your weight or your makeup. beauty is who you are. your character. your inner being. your soul.
cait... stephen... i love you guys. so much. i want only good things to happen for you two.
p.s. cait. when can i see you? i need to see you.
Amanda, i love you so much. This comment means so much to me...
You should come out here soon. Stephen and I would love to hang out with you at the end of March when he comes out. You should come out like the last weekend he's here so you can hang out with both of us for a couple days and then you and I can have girl time.
Or, you can wait til the summer... when I plan on coming out for quite awhile ;) We can talk about that when we talk on the phone.
I love and miss you so much!!! We'll talk soon :)
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