Dustland... With a Little Drop of Poison

Dustland Fairytale- The Killers




Little Drop of Poison- Tom Waits

Ce Soir, Ce Soir

Tonight, Tonight- Smashing Pumpkins (1995)






Tonight, Tonight- Passion Pit (2010)

Nerdgasm

Passion Pit- To Kingdom Come

On Repeat:

Our Song

Our song is the slammin' screen door.... Uhhh, just kidding!



By Your Side
Beachwood Sparks

You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that

I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me

When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I'll bring you home

And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in time, you'll be fine

You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that

I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me

Oh when you're low
I'll be there by your side

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me

Oh when you're low
I'll be there by your side

Hair Redux pt. 2

Found an ADORABLE hairstyle while browsing my normal daily blogs... Thought I'd share! Let me know what you think!

"Ugliness is Beauty, Beauty is Ugliness"

Reminds me of Wes Anderson. I am in love with classic foreign films right now.

The Big Top

I may hate clowns, but I'm becoming more and more inspired by circuses.

The old...






















and the new...

Queria Ser Pajaro- Leonora Carrington

On Repeat

Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect- The Decemberists

There Will Be Blog

I have soooo much to process and go through physically and mentally in the next few days but eventually there WILL be a Peru blog post. I am just a bit overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and emotions that anything I say will either not make sense to you or will sorta make sense but not really or will make sense but sound off. So, bear with me for a bit and if you build it (wait) they (it) will come.

Caitlin = SINNER

I hope this trip transforms me into the Caitlin I know I was meant to be. Ever since the earliest signs of my selfishness and lack of Christ-like behavior, I have felt that my spiritual growth has been stunted. I feel as though this Caitlin is a temporary shell of a young woman just DYING to let the real Caitlin fly free. And maybe subconsciously, that's why I have had a great love and attachment to the symbol of birds escaping birdcages...

CAITLIN is in here somewhere, I know she is. I ask God all the time to continue abundantly pouring out His mercy and patience on me so that my "cage" will wash away and the Spirit-filled bird will break free.

Peru is going to be the first step of many leading me down the path to Jesus Christ. I want to live my life for Him. I want to exude His light in everything I do.

I'm ready to break free, Lord. I know this is the start of something BIG.

Amen.

The Unmentionable- MENTIONED!

I know this post might seem a little off for a "Caitlin post" but it spoke to me in a lot of ways. It helped me realize that I don't need to compromise my belief in abstinence until marriage. If this girl can hold out WITHOUT a belief in religious consequences, then I definitely can WITH the belief that I'm doing it the way God intended.

I’m so excited and nervous about writing this post. After I suggested it, I tried to chicken out, but Meg is a persuasive lady (have you noticed?). When people would find out that I was a virgin, or that Josh and I weren’t sleeping together (I know, right? How does that even come up in conversation? I can’t for the life of me remember…) I was met with a ton of questions/warnings. You guys think unrequested wedding advice is crossing the line? Try sex advice. Yeah. Here are some of the things I heard which turned out to be very untrue… (and, uh, sorry in advance. I really like lists and bullet points.)


1. Waiting puts a lot of pressure on your wedding night. False. Well, ok. I could see how this could be the case for some. Josh and I sorta worried about it. We also knew that we’d probably be exhausted, maybe grumpy, maybe a leetle sloshed after the wedding. So Josh suggested we just have no expectations for the wedding night- we would have all week of our honeymoon to have sex. Let’s not rush and cram it into that night. I gotta say, this definitely removed that pressure of The Sex Time. It was genius. I would really advise anyone else who’s waiting to set this standard- not just to remove the pressure, but so that you can ease into getting to know one another’s bodies (even if that sounds like a middle school health class video). Josh had never seen me in less than a bathing suit, and touched anything between my neck and my knees before we got married. “Normal” couples move gradually, right? You don’t just tear around all of the bases in one night (usually). Same can go for Waiters (as in those-that-wait… not those-that-serve-at-restaurants).

2. It’s gonna be awkward. Umm. No. Josh and I were already experts at enjoying spending time together- and believe it or not, we pretty much already knew the basics of, um, what goes where… I think this is probably only true for people who expect it to be like movie sex, and then try to force some fake, sultry, smoky crap. One of the APW brides once suggested that the wedding day be treated like any other day- just be yourself. Laugh if something’s funny. Don’t put on some false self. Same is so very true for sex, isn’t it? It’s much more of an intimate moment if it’s two people, totally exposed and being themselves together.

3. You need practice. Meh. Not really. Like I said above, we kinda figured out how things work. Beyond that, sure, sex gets better the more you do it. But trust me, the first night wasn’t awful.

4. You need to know if you’re compatible/if he’s “the one.” I hafta wonder at using sex as a barometer for that sort of thing. And it’s kind of like kissing, isn’t it? Your first kiss may or may not be awesome, but you get better at kissing as you kiss each other more. You become attune to one another. Whether or not he’s awesome in bed in the first round doesn’t determine how good you can be together- and I’m guessing if your chemistry is fantastic enough that you wanna marry the guy, you’ll do just fine. (Also, who do I have him to compare to…? It’s the best sex I’ve ever had.)

5. So you think you’ll go to hell if you have sex? Not even close.

So if that’s not why I waited, then why, right? If not to avoid the fiery pits of hell, what could it be?

1. Sex effs with your mind. Honestly. Who can say that having sex has made them more capable of thinking clearly and making good decisions? It complicates things.

2. Sex links people. I don’t know how to put this in a forward-thinking, logical-sounding way. But, sex ties people together in this near-mystical way, doesn’t it? How many of us have clung to no-good-people because of how attached we felt as a result of being physical with them (or is that just me)*? This directly ties into the above- it just complicates things.

3. Finding the “right” person. This one’s the key, obv. There’s something so undeniably romantic about having only had sex with just one person. Finding the right person to sleep with or marry- that takes time. And clear-headed thought. So these folks who say they’re “waiting” to have sex, and then hurry up and get married because they can’t keep it in their pants any longer- that kind of defeats the purpose, to me. Sex is important. Take your time in figuring out who you want to be there to share that experience.

4. Self control. I probably couldn’t tell you how much respect I have for Josh as a result of the self-control he displayed in the 3 years we dated. Did I know he wanted to do it? Hell yeah- sometimes it’s obvious, if youknowwhatI’msayin. But his commitment to waiting was a sign of his love for me… not in the cheesy, “true love waits” sense. But in the sense that setting a good foundation for our marriage was more important to him than a physiological impulse (and I’m not saying it wasn’t a struggle for me… have I TOLD you how hot this man is?). Being able to control your downstairs bits demonstrates the kind of maturity necessary to pick a spouse… ya dig?

5. Growing together. Getting used to doing it is one more intense way in which we’re growing together. I get to experience this whole new world, and I get to have a husband by my side as I figure it out. Awesome.

6. Romance. Can I just reiterate how amazingly romantic I think it is? It’s like Heloise and Abelard. Doesn’t the fact that they couldn’t even touch each other almost confirm for you that their love was the deepest kind?**

Because we were waiting, we needed to sort of… set ourselves up for success. Spending 3 years with a sexy man and not touching him. That, um, takes work.

1. Short engagement. Know how I just told you not to rush into getting married just to have sex? Yeah. This is different. Once you decide that you do want to get married, don’t set some 2 year long engagement. That, my friends, is called TORTURE. “Yay, we’re going to have sex together! …but NOT YET.” Womp womp.

2. Lots of sex talks. I think we probably talked about sex pre-marriage more than people who aren’t waiting. Sex is kind of a big chunk of married life… if we’re already discussing if we want to have kids and where we want to live, it only makes sense to talk about what sex is gonna be like. (there are pretty clear limits to this… “Oh, baby, I can’t wait to do this to your that…” not really the best route to go if you plan on waiting.) We talked about likes and dislikes. I know you’re wondering how I could know what I like or not, since I’ve never tried. I think there are some things you don’t need to experience to know. For example, I don’t need to try having Josh choke me while he’s doing his thing to know that I’m not a fan of the “play rape” sex. Nope.

3. More sex talks. We also set parameters and discussed expectations. If there’s anything that’s detrimental to a relationship, it’s unvoiced expectations. I told him what I expected sex to be like, what I was hoping for, and he did the same. There was nothing that was more healthy for our sex-life… and I would recommend it for everyone, married or not, waiting or not.

And now. We’re married. And doing it. And life is good. Some of the important things I’ve gleaned through our ongoing learning process include…

1. Recognizing that sex is a delicate thing. It’s one part of our lives that impacts so much else. If we haven’t had sex in awhile, you can probably tell by the way we talk to and treat each other- that’s not an old cliché, I think everyone would agree it’s true. It’s the physical representation of everything that marriage means to us- so if the sex is bad, something’s off here. What do I mean by that? In sex, we’re entirely vulnerable and exposed, flaws and all- and yet when we look at each other, we’re overwhelmingly attracted (isn’t that a beautiful idea?). Sex at its healthiest is when two people are entirely focused on one another- sex isn’t about physical urges (not entirely at least) or body parts… it’s about paying attention to one another’s wants in a very personal and special way. Because of this, sex is that place in marriage where we have the most propensity to appreciate one another, and the largest capacity to hurt one another. It’s so, so easy to feel slighted or ignored or manipulated or unfulfilled or mistreated in sex. It’s a very delicate matter.

2. Open honesty. If he wants it, he needs to tell me. If I feel like he’s going at it in a roundabout way, I feel manipulated. (How many of us have dated guys with little manipulating ways of conning us into sex? “But it can do serious damage if I don’t…”) If I don’t want it, I need to tell him. If we both have the understanding that the other person is going to be honest without insult, there’s no need to feel guilty or try to hint. This kind of honesty may sound unsexy (“Hey- wanna do it tonight?” versus donning lingerie and sprawling across the bed), but I recognize that it’s just a stage in learning about each other. Like all other things in our relationship, if we do it enough, I’ll get to a point where I can (mostly) intuit what’s going on. But even then, communication is going to be so essential. Isn’t it with everything in marriage?

3. Team spirit. Like I said above, sex in its purest form is not about what I get out of it, but what I can do for the other person. (If he’s spending all of his energy trying to please me, and I’m exerting all of mine to try to please him… we both end up… satisfied, I guess? Can I say that, Meg?***) So sometimes, I need to take one for the team and just do it when I don’t feel like it. Sounds tres unsexy, no? But if that’s what sex is about at its core (spending all of my energy for what he wants), then I’m definitely in the spirit. (FYI: “I’ll do whatever you want me to, baby” is NOT unsexy.) Other times, when I have a migraine or am in a bad mood, he can lovingly (without being begrudging) drop it. (we’ve talked on here about how the roles are sometimes reversed- I’m not trying to catalogue or generalize, just speaking from my own experience)

So um. There you have it. Probably the most awkward post on APW yet. I’m not sure exactly how to wrap it up- maybe, “Go have some great sex, you guys!” I know you’re thinking, “Wait a second. You were a virgin until 6 months ago. How are YOU going to tell ME how to have great sex, amateur?” I can’t. But I can share what I’ve learned on a now-unconventional and bumpy road. And hoping to help Meg open the floor for others to do the same. Ready? GO.

(via A Practical Wedding)

Saeglopur- Sigur Ros

This band often brings my brain to a melt. A glorious, melancholy, magical melt.

"Caitlin Gorey"

Some (extremely) short dark-comedic stories that popped in my brain at random times in life. I think this shall be a new recurring segment on my blog. Let's hope I actually keep up with this one...

"The seasoned chef suddenly realised he possessed no real talent and thrust himself upon the blade in his hand. Awakening the next morning, he was worse off than before- not only was his hara-kiri attempt unsuccessful, he had also ruined his favorite paring knife."


"She was such a germaphobe, she sterilized the knife before she plunged it into her heaving chest."

(Drawings also by me.)

Hair ReDux

I am growing increasingly bored of my hair. I love the length but it is going to slaughter me this summer. I love the color but I think I am done with my dark brunette phase. Not to mention, this last re-dye it went a little darker than I prefer. So, I've been gathering inspiration from blogs and the random Google search to find what may soon become MY new 'do.

Drastic but not insane 'dos:



a bit longer than the Kirsten Dunst style but still wavy and blonde and beautiful!

DRASTIC 'do:


Keep the length but dye it red (bangs are not out of the question but not necessarily preferred):






Which are your favorites? Which do you think would suit me the best? Negative feedback is helpful too!

Amanda Visell

Not too long ago, my friend Stephanie introduced me to a Disney artist named Mary Blair. The more I looked into her work, the more deeply I fell in love. Recently, Stephanie told me about a similar artist I might also enjoy named Amanda Visell. Steph was right... I adore some of her work.

Here are my favorites from her website:


The Long Way


No Fear of Angels or Rabbits


Hunting for the Sun

The last one is my absolute favorite EVER. The funny thing is, I was initially draw to the girl and sun before I even realized what she was riding on. Beautiful.

My soul is in the sky...

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying." Friedrich Nietzche

All my life I have had dreams of flying. I always fly the same way. I always have trouble getting my feet off the ground in times of trouble. I fly alone. I soar above the clouds. I explore vast green valleys.

All my life, I've been envious of birds and angels. One evening in elementary school while my parents were away, I climbed atop my house, sat on the roof and cried aloud to my guardian angel, "PLEASE! Please, teach me to fly away from this place..."



My favorite hymn...






My favorite song from Moulin Rouge!...


"My soul is in the sky." William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream



and my favorite song of all time...


One day I'll fly away... Over the rainbow...O, Glory, I'll fly away.

10 Best Nerd Shows

This blog post exhibits 10 shows I either already am or am convinced I totally will be completely obsessed with.

Nerd shows are my absolute fave.

(via The Frisky)

Lessons Learned

Taken from a past diary entry:

Just because you have everything in common with someone doesn't make them your soul-mate, you know?

Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean you love them. It doesn't even necessarily mean you should date them.

Just because someone is incredibly nice to you and just so happens to be attractive and single doesn't mean they like you "in that way".

I have learned these lessons the hard way. They suck. In a perfect world every one of those statements would say the opposite.

And the one I have the hardest time with is the last one. My whole life I've been the type to crush really easily. A guy shows the smallest ounce of consideration or politeness and I fall head-over-heels. Luckily, I'm learning from these lessons.

Next lesson to learn: boys are idiots and there's nothing I can do about it.

Alice in Wonderland (1915)